Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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