drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
