So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
