I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
high people should be assigned attendants
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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