Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
