Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
How external is "for external use only"?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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