Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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