Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
