Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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