I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You're so nebulous sometimes
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize