Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
