I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
