yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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