I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
