I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
