WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
