I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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