he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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