I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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