Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
