Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I am midnight drunk by noon
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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