between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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