im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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