Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
