somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
