No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
