The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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