just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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