I could make wine with my vomit
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
