good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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