So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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