the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
