my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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