I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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