I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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