Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i think my cat just said my name.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
