just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
