Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
