Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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