my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
