high people should be assigned attendants
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
