I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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