pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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