Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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