Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
