come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
