In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
