He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
