i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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