Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
