So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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