Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
