Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
