i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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