guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
