my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
