Taylor Swift is so right about you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
