in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
