I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
