Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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