Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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