You smell like a Billy Joel song
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
