Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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