Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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