I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
