why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize