When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
